Wednesday, 21 November
Colin just fell apart at dinner. He had been out of sorts since he got home from school. I can’t even remember how the conversation started but with lip quivering, he said, almost in a whisper, “I don’t think I can go on. I just want to give up. I wish there was no recess at school. Recess is supposed to be the most fun time.”
Colin went on to explain that during playtime he asks different groups of kids, usually groups with a boy member of his class, if he can play with them. According to Colin, his classmates are usually willing to include him, but there is a "boss" of the game that is not from his class and doesn't know Colin and the boss says Colin can't play. When he is not allowed to join, Colin says he walks around alone hoping to find someone else looking for a playmate. Sometimes he finds another classmate walking about alone and sometimes he spends the whole recess by himself.
Playtime is very different than at the boys’ old school. There are many more students, a much larger area and the lunch recess period is twice as long. Those are normal adjustments that I expected, and even being the new kid on the block, who gets left out can be part of the normal adjustment. But seeing Colin so distressed breaks my heart and Doug’s too. We have never seen him so stressed and upset, especially about school.
Doug, Colin and I curled up on the couch. We talked about how this time is a big transition and change for all of us and about how we have to be patient making new friends and fitting in, particularly, because school has been in session 11 months for the rest of the students. And, that even though the transition period is normal, it can still feel awful. We talked about what we could do to make this transition time better for Colin. We came up with three top ideas. First, we would try to invite some of Colin’s classmates over to play. Second, we would ask for his teacher’s help and advice, especially about making recess time better. Finally we role-played with each other about how to handle some of the playground situations that Colin has been experiencing. We agreed to talk each day to see if any these new ideas helped Colin. We snuggled a long time at bedtime. I just wanted to hold and love my little guy, which I know won’t solve his troubles on the playground, but it is all I can do tonight.
I feel doubly heartbroken, because Colin has been struggling with this problem for days and he didn’t tell us until tonight. I think he didn’t want to be sad and upset about anything associated with this move to New Zealand. We have been planning and dreaming about this adventure for the last two years, which is a huge chunk of Colin’s life. Several nights ago he came upstairs after he had already gone to bed. He was sobbing. I went and snuggled into his bed with him. I held him close as the gulps for air lessened, the breathing relaxed and deepened and finally he fell back into sleep. In the morning he seemed his normal self and I decided the sobbing had been a bad dream or over-tiredness and general stress from all the new experiences. Now I know to always follow up for details. With Liam all the angst is upfront and verbalized immediately, like his mom. Colin processes completely differently. So much of his processing is internal. He doesn’t like to show what he perceives as weakness. I feel I have to always let him know he can share anything with me and Pop (Doug), that we are here for everything and anything. I have to watch for more subtle signals and this time I missed them. Doug and I will also talk more to the boys about the fact that even though we are excited to be in New Zealand, some parts of this move are challenging and are not always fun. We will all have rough days and homesick moments. We don’t have to be happy about everything, all the time.
After Colin fell asleep, I sent a long email to his teacher asking for her advice and input to help us help Colin navigate this rough patch. We’ll help him find his way, one day at a time.
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